Pengagum Langit

"Jadi kamu mau kesini karena mau nemuin temen-temenmu?" Tanya Bunda Yusi. "Iya Bund", aku menjawab setengah mantap. Masih belum sepenuhnya percaya setelah sekian lama akhirnya aku menapakkan kaki di Jogja. Namun tanpa sambutan apapun dari mereka, orang-orang yang ku anggap saudaraku. Air mataku hampir menitik saat itu. Hatiku seperti terhantam palu godam. Inilah kenyataan, menghubungi merekapun aku sungkan. Bagamana berani berharap mereka akan menemuiku? Namun ku tepis hal itu. Ku lanjutkan makan yang entah mengapa seperti membaca suasana hatiku. Sukses membuatku tak menghabiskan makan malam yang sudah sangat terlambat. Pukul 02.19, dan masih belum ada tempat bagi kami untuk menginap. Untungnya, setengah jam kemudian ada wa dari relawan 1001 buku yang menawarkan tempat menginap seadanya. Dengan taksi kami meluncur ke Radio Buku, bekas galeri bertingkat dua yang disulap menjadi perpustakaan dan radio. This is heaven. Buku berderet-deret sekian rak. Seminggu disini...

"Yah, nggak bisa ngeliat apa-apa!" Sesalku ketika akan menaiki pesawat. Bunda Yusi hanya terkekeh. Beberapa pertimbangan akhirnya membuat kami mantap mengambil penerbangan malam, tepatnya jam 23.00 dengan AirAsia. Delay setengah jam. Namun pada kenyataannya, penerbangan malam saat akan take off memberikan pemandangan yang breathtaking. Masya Allah, lampu-lampu yang hidup di Pulau Dewata tampak seperti berlian bertaburan. Aku bisa melihat jalur jalan Tol Bali Mandara yang berwarna putih dan mengira-ngira jalur berwarna keemasan sebagai jalan By Pass Ngurah Rai. Lambat laun, ketinggian pesawat semakin naik dan semua di bumi semakin mengecil. Mungkin titik-titik di laut yang ku lihat adalah kapal pesiar dan sebagainya, atau mungkin kapal nelayan. Entahlah, yang jelas aku seperti melihat langsung pemandangan seperti yang sering ku pakai depe di BBM. 'Fear Me, not human kind.' Aku lupa ayat berapa. Kombinasi gelap malam dan terbatasnya ruang di ketinggian, membuatku memi...

Today supposed to be practise before the inauguration day. I thought it'll only as simple as that, but surprised! There are our lectures and some speech from the 5th President of Indonesia, Ms. Megawati Soekarnoputri. Am I excited? Nope. And it was understandable. I never fancy her before. Yeah merely saw her on television, but it didn't leave a good impression in me. But I gave it a shoot, maybe I can change my mind about her, sparks some adoration. Like I did with Mr. Made Mangku Pastika. Boy, I did my best to stay with her all the time. But I can't help it. My eyelids became heavier minutes by minutes and my right hand constantly cover my yawn. I'm sure get some sleep during the speech. Yeah, I got some glimpses into her mind about leadership and nation. It was great. But recently she remind me of Soimah. When Soimah is snobby because of act, she did it too, to fish a laughter. But what the point to do that over and over again? Not to mention she speaks about the c...

It's 38 hours to the inauguration day, I have no kebaya to wear yet, and here I am don't bother to feel slightly excited or panic, at least. Dunno, many people will kill to have my place, they said. Fine, maybe I'm exaggerated, as usual. But yeah, if my parents wont come here I probably forget the day, like I did with my duty nowadays. Two days, exactly. Seriously, this only twice times in almost for years I work in RSM to forget about my duty. Okay, back to the matter in hand, inauguration. It's a ceremonial when a student graduates from college. An important one. Where almost all of us dresses nicely, even overdressed. I want to dress nicely, but still show who I am. Because I never been an extravagant person. The simplest, the best for me. For clothes, I'm do thinking over if I must buy some, but for other things, nope.

Seandainya aku tak berada di ruangan putih tempat kursi kayu panjang yang penuh diduduki pasien, atau tak mendengar suara Mas Anam mengaji, air mataku akan jatuh membaca statusnya. Status seorang junior yang masya Allah shalihahnya selalu membuatku diam-diam merasa tertampar. Statusnya selalu bermakna dan mengingatkan, dan dia tak malu akan hal itu. Status tentang kebahagiaan orang tuanya. Tak sekali dua ia memaparkan kebahagiaan keluarganya, membuatku turut tersenyum. Namun kali ini entah mengapa, status yang sama membuatku tertohok pada waktu yang seharusnya tidak terjadi. Dan aku menyalahkan diri atas hal itu. Mungkin kita tak pantas bahagia karena tak pernah meminta pada Allah hal tersebut. Mungkin aku hanya meminta hal-hal untuk diriku sendiri, yang itupun dalam waktu yang sedikit. Seperti keshalihahan dan usaha juniorku yang berbanding lurus dengan kebahagiaan keluarganya, demikian pula aku. Sampai disini aku sadar jarang sekali membagikan kebahagiaan, apalagi kesedihan keluar...

Buliran airmata tak tertahan mengalir deras di pipiku. Ku biarkan jatuh tanpa jeda. Berharap ia tak hanya terhenti disana, namun terus mengalir hingga membasahi hatiku yang gersang. Hati yang tadinya ku percayai sebagai tanah yang subur. Gembur tanpa perlu ku taburkan pupuk sintetis. Hati sebagai ladangku belajar. Menanam satu persatu benih baik yang ku kumpulkan dari sekitarku. Harapanku akan bisa memanennya suatu waktu. Mungkin bukan panen raya. Tetapi buahnya akan bisa ku petik jika ku butuhkan. Ku temukan jika ku cari, buah apapun itu karena aku menanam segala. Meskipun belum ku atur dengan baik. Belum kuatur, itu kata kerjanya. Merasa tanamanku sudah mulai tumbuh dengan baik, aku manjadi tamak. Semua ku tanam, tanpa ku pilih dengan standar yang baik. Yang penting, tanah yang masih kosong tak akan menganggur. Tetapi aku tak rajin menyiangi rumput-rumput liar disana. Sehingga yang terjadi, tanamanku tumbuh bersaing dengan rumput liar yang semakin lama semakin kuat. Tumbuh besar da...

The title was an event present by Forum Lingkar Pena, a reguler once in two weeks event which I'm dying to attend since a month ago. Qadarullah, I finally made it tonight. And I'm far from disappointed. In fact, I'm really glad that I'm coming. It was a special event, because FLP invite a special guest, his name is Brili Agung. They said he have wrote 17 books and own three office, all related to publishing book. As if doesn't impressive enought, he also quite attractive, smart, and single. Hahaha.. I wish I could giggle or at least sighed dreamy or all ladylike gestures, but no. Is it so not me. Yeah, although I admit I need to lower my gaze entirely the event but hey, I'm still a normal girl. Uhuks.. Enough about the appearance. But he really opened my mind. And pulled out one of my deepest dream. To write my own books. He made it sounds really simple. But was it? I don't know. I never tried. But even it only happened in your mind? Why it can't be r...

I need to get closure, ask questions to him face by face, so I will have my answers, then I can close the book, forever. I must resign from RSM, find a new place to work, so I can finally leave my comfort zone. I must make choices between this two weeks, so I won't bother anyone position and harming their land of work. My question is, do I really need those all? What if I did it, but in the end I can't get what I think I will get? That's question play in head over and over. Secretly, I know the answer is no. But I can't help to wish, to know what will happen if that the case. But really, who I'm kidding? Who need closure anyway? All I need is move on. And starting right now. Like the little boy said, "So, you will ikhlas let her go? Just like that?" I'm so wish that I could be at least half sure than Andre when he said, "Yes, just like that."

Believe it or not, I'm sick. Again. After recovering from prolong common cold last week, fever beat me again since yesterday. I recall no breakfast on Sunday, lunch at 12.15 pm, and no proper supper. Went out from 6 am and coming home at 6 pm, just rest until 8 pm and went to meeting till 10 pm. I think it can do something with my immune system. And yeah, I'm willingly accepted that I'm sick, not forcing to do anything till I'm sure I can stand on my own feet, literally. And here I am, on duty in Mandala. Somehow feel more hot here and there, but when I took measurement with thermometer, the result sas 36.0 degrees Celsius. Alhamdulillah. One thing I noticed, the itchiness that often occur at night in certain place in my body, has gone. Maybe two or three weeks ago. 'Underlying stress that gotten in your nerves, and successfully invaded you subconscious mind', dr. Mitha said when I consult about it. 'You need to find it, and end it, whatever that problem a...

The word failed me. But maybe it wasn't the word itself. It's me. I'm mad. My blood boiling, fury consumed myself till the point my heart fell it it will burst. I want to scream my frustration. But I can't. I just can't. Wether I must stay as a cool person and swallow my disappointed. Why it's always me that must let go everything? Why people just nonchalantly flaunting their emotions even it will hurt other people? Why? Why? Why? Aren't they fear? The hurt will still there. Pain and hatred. Even hurting is tiring. And sometimes, sorry can't miraculously erase it.

"Udah selese Mbak yudisiumnya? Peringkat berapa?" Pertanyaan ini sangat wajar akan terlontar dari mereka yang mengenalku. Tepatnya, mengenal aku sebelum menginjakkan kaki di Pulau Dewata. Ketika kemudian ku jawab 'Biasa saja' dan dengan nilai yang standar, ku baca raut ketidakpercayaan di wajah Puji. Dan sedikit kekecewaan. Kemudian ia segera menutupinya dan berucap "Alhamdulillah." Namun bukan Puji namanya jika ia selesai dengan satu pertanyaan. Rupanya ia sekarang tertarik membahas persiapan wisuda. "Sudah jahit kebaya Mbak?", tanyanya. "Nggak, nanti pinjem punya teman saja." Kali ini dia tidak repot-repot menyembunyikan keterkejutannya. "Tapi Mbak, ini loh wisuda S.Kep.Ns!" Sergahnya. "Terus?" Aku menahan keinginan untuk memutar bola mata. "Sepertinya Mbak kok nggak ada greget-gregetnya gitu untuk persiapan. Padahal ini loh bersejarah." Dia kemudian menghela napas. Ya, ku akui. Memang tidak ada kei...

Pembagian tugas Subuh ini: Ibuq en Naq Janah nyuci baju, aku, Indi, en Oga ngajakin Adek Dafi jeje. Okay noted! Paginya, dengan terburu kami bertiga diusir (Udah Subuh, nanti ga dapet tempat nyuci di kali, gt kata Ibuq). Jadilah aku, Indi, en Dafi keluar jeje karena Oga masih tidur. Yaa keluar gt aja. Indi mulai kedinginan sementara aku biasa aja. Cuacanya ga terlalu dingin. Dafi? Dia ga bisa ngomong sih jadi aku pikir fine-fine aja. Lagian dia gendut gitu. So pasti aman laaah. Aku juga ga bawa kain panjang apalagi gendongan. Baru jalan 200 meter aja tangan udah berasa pegel. Bayangin aja tu anak beratnya hampir sepuluh kilo. Tapi taq biarin. Ini mah belum apa-apa. Bentar doang, kalo jadi Emak seharian bakal gini. Itung-itung latihan. Uhuks. Well, cut the description! Terlalu banyak poin pelajaran hari ini untuk (belajar) dinarasikan. Jadi aku list aja: 1. Jadi, kalo bawa bayi jeje itu mesti: pakein baju hangat, topi, bawa kain panjang atau gendongan, jangan lama-lama, jangan bawa ...

The word failed me. But maybe it wasn't the word itself. It's me. I'm mad. My blood boiling, fury consumed myself till the point my heart fell it it will burst. I want to scream my frustration. But I can't. I just can't. Wether I must stay as a cool person and swallow my disappointed. Why it's always me that must let go everything? Why people just nonchalantly flaunting their emotions even it will hurt other people? Why? Why? Why? Aren't they fear? The hurt will still there. Pain and hatred. Even hurting is tiring. And sometimes, sorry can't miraculously erase it.

The word failed me. But maybe it wasn't the word itself. It's me. I'm mad. My blood boiling, fury consumed myself till the point my heart fell it it will burst. I want to scream my frustration. But I can't. I just can't. Wether I must stay as a cool person and swallow my disappointed. Why it's always me that must let go everything? Why people just nonchalantly flaunting their emotions even it will hurt other people? Why? Why? Why? Aren't they fear? The hurt will still there. Pain and hatred. Even hurting is tiring. And sometimes, sorry can't miraculously erase it.

Dari awal, sudah terasa ada yang kurang di lingkungan rumah sakit. Ya, kadang aku memang penakut. Sadar diri, atau mungkin lebih jujurnya, rendah diri karena skill yang jauh dari mumpuni. Tetapi hey, siapa yang bisa menguasai hal yang tak pernah dikerjakannya? Mungkin ada satu di antara seribu, dan dalam hal ini, aku masuk dalam kelompok yang 999. My point is, I can change that if I do my best. Everybody does. Tetapi tetap saja, kenyataannya aku selalu kelelahan setiap pulang jaga. Inginnya langsung tidur meski kadang belum makan. Belum lagi baper, jika ada problem dengan pasien. Atau aturan yang tak sesuai. Satu-satunya tempat yang bisa buat senyum setelah pulang jaga itu di ICU, itupun tidak setiap hari. Why? Padahal semua tetap bekerja, sama-sama membantu orang. Tetapi tetap saja. Jawaban itu ku dapatkan ketika mengobrol panjang lebar dengan Bunda Yusi sepulang baksos di Panti Werdha. Tepatnya ketika beliau cerita tidak habis pikir dengan perawat atau dokter yang lempeng-lempeng ...

"Bu, tiang mau ikut pelatihan akupuntur. Biar ada skill lain yang bisa dibawa pulang selain ijasah. Biasanya enam bulan, kalau soal biaya belum tahu." Jelasku di telpon. "Enam bulan?", tanya ibu. "Iya.." Dan hening. Untuk hampir semenit. Aku yang tak tahan kemudian mengalihkan pembicaraan. Sejenak jawaban ibu terdengar kaku, namun ketika topik kembali menyinggung adikku, tawanya terdengar kembali. Selama ini aku selalu menganggap diri sebagai 'anak Mamiq', karena sifat dan pendapat yang hampir sama. Santai dan biarkan hidup mengalir. Tidak seperti ibu yang super sibuk dan mengkhawatirkan segala hal. Tetapi malam ini, aku sadar banyak hal yang ku warisi dari ibu. Salah satunya manajemen kecewa. Layaknya perempuan lain di muka bumi, aku dan ibu suka bicara. Senang berbagi. Cerita yang sama bisa diulang-ulang dengan antusiasme yang tak berkurang. Namun ketika kecewa atau marah, kami berdua akan memilih diam. Diam mencerna semuanya, padahal dalam ...

I Made Mangku Pastika, the Governance of Bali. I only see his face in television, posters, or Baliho. The first time I saw him live in some debate public for the election as an incumbent candidate, versus his own friends, A.A. Puspayoga. The problem is, Mr. Puspayoga didn't show up. So, he was won without even start a battle. But that wasn't the point. For the first time he speaks, I've been in awe. What's is it? Hmmm.. Flamboyant actor. That's the word I chose to described him, though I didn't really sure about the actor part. My uncle said politicians are never mean to be trusted. Because they will do everything for power. That's no way politics is a clean world. It's dirty, full of lies and only make chaos. 'Yeah, everybody is a liars, except a politician!' That's sarcasm remarks came from Chase in House MD series. He think House has lost his sense when he believed what his patient's said. The Politician. I think it obvious that House...

Dear you I wonder when the day we'll finally meet To put a name into face To smile truthfully, you are real Dear you I'm long to have hear you say the vows Then kiss the palm your hand Then say 'Aamiin' to your du'a upon me Dear you I'm ready to start a new beginning To intertwine our way To bridge our differences Dear you I promise to share everything Even it means make me vulnerable Even it'll give you power to crushed my heart Dear you Promise me you'll be patient For one day I'll hurt you accidentally For silence treatment you may receive after heated arguments Dear you There's thousand 'to this, to that' I want to do There's hundred 'why this, why that' I need to ask And I wish you crazy enough to make it come true

Dari pertama melihat covernya, aku sudah tertarik. Wajah tanpa make up dan senyum yang sangat menenangkan, I'm glad to meet her someday. Beberapa kali berputar-putar mencari buku yang lain, aku akhirnya kembali mencarinya. Entahlah, seperti ada magnet uang menarikku. Dan untuk urusan seperti ini, ku percaya pada instingku. Aku tidak akan kecewa, insya Allah. Dan kalimat pembuka ini yang membuatku semakin ingin berteriak 'Eureka!' See? Entahlah, apa memang Miyuki terlalu polos atau memang penerjemah buku ini yang ingin memproyeksikannya seperti itu. Yang jelas buku ini berhasil mengaduk-aduk perasaanku. Aku belum selesai membacanya tetapi dari halaman pertama aku sudah diajak berkaca, ditampar, dibuat malu, diajak menangis, dan digelitik sampai terkekeh. She's really something! Cara menulisnya sangat jujur. Tidak perlu kata-kata mutiara atau skill menulis setinggi langit. Sepertinya dia hanya menuliskan apa yang ada dipikirannya dan boom! Pembaca tersihir dan tak sabar...

I finished 'Avatar's Korra' series tonight. As usual, I feel a bit sad. Because once I finished it, it means I lost a great friends. But I'm happy to make it a new collection, mean I'll watch it again someday. Insya Allah. Watching cartoons maybe still childish in some people. But I love it. I don't know when I will stop. They not just an entertainment for me, for they also bring some metaphors or messages that's seems impossible to apply in real life, but it's not. And that's beautiful. The fact that the character not even real make it more awesome. Because it's mean they won't be change and I won't disappointed to see how they're living their real world :-D Believe it or not, during the season I feel like am reflecting. And learning. I open my eyes, my ear, and my heart from everything. I really want to get better. To go through the process called self-healing. Just stay calm, even in the darkness, you can find the light. Especial...

Years by years I've been spent my life to protect myself from hurt. I do everything I can in order to not experience the same hurt I received years ago. Till the point I gave up in relationships and retreat myself from social gatherings, especially in my village. But lately, it's became generalized, not only my village, I've been shutting down almost everybody from my inner life. Yeah, I socialising with them, but I keep them outside, there nothing good came from letting them in, their will only hurt me. But yesterday, I read some stories. And I've been thinking since. Well, we are vulnerable. In every aspect. Yeah, I can prevent myself getting hurt from one side, but what about the other? I can get hurt, in everything I do. In everytime I spend. In everywhere I go. So, instead of try sterile, I must keep up my immune system. I've heard it before, but I just understand yesterday. Stress is tricky. They can came from nothing, and sadly, can affect everything. They...

"Why you sad? Is one of your patient dead?" That's the first question came from Mak Tiri when I told her I'm sad. Yeah, by now I know what type of nurse I am. Baper, they said. Acronyms of 'bawa perasaan', mean I let my feeling take over in many situations, mostly. Its hard for me to moving on in patient's death, especially if I know we can do more to save them. This morning, I once again, lost my patient. This time it was a granny with HAP Post Resection Tumor, she has a Diabetes Type II too, a typical complicated case. With a slim chance to win. She never open her eyes spontaneously, and her breathing frequency is always high since she brought in. The others nurses and doctors already pessimistic about her condition. And last night, her condition finally deteriorated. Firstly, her blood pressure decrease till 79 at sistole, then we gave her dopamine in syringe pump. It help, at least for few first hour. But then she started to have bradicardy and in no ...

I search, I search, and I search. A tiny little bit of jealousy, or hatred, but I can't find it. Not that I want to feel it. But maybe, I don't want to find it. Or maybe I've found it, but like always me, I ignored it. Pretending to didn't feel anything. And that's the question. Am I have a heart to feel anything? Moreover, grow some feeling on it?

Talk about sweetness. When I went there, and saw Bapak's face, I knew something. He loves me enough as his own daughter. Although I feel a little bit disappointed because he ignored me, don't even look me in the eyes but I understand why. He doesn't want me to get hurt. Or he think so. Well I did feel hurt, but not because of what will happen, but because what was happened, but I'm healed. Totally and properly. And I wish Bapak and Inaq feel the same too. We will always be their daughter and son, whatever happens. Back into some weeks before, when Inaq Tuan call me. She said something hilarious. And I laughed, laughed, and laughed. In that time, I feel Inaq Tuan as a best-friend-who'll-always-have-my back. She said something every girl need hear when they broken heart. Even I'm not one, I still very grateful for it. And say 'Aamiin' for every good thing she wish me for. Like Bapak, maybe she took it into different direction. But I don't feel need ...

By now I believe tears are come by pairs. Since your eyes are two, why need to save it? Tears are mean to be drops, not stifled. Yeah maybe there are times when a single tear drops in your cheek, but sooner or later, it definitely will come back, with many more. Lately, I've been cried a lot. Whenever I feel I'm on edge of tears, I let it flow. I'm no longer being ashamed to cry. It's just feel right to do. More important, mostly I did it by myself. In front of my Lord. And the feeling is incredibly soothing. Yes I still feel weak or sad, but I feel reassured too. Because I put my trust in Allah. Who else can be more listening and understanding than Him? Like this morning, when I gave small amount of money for the street singer. Then I saw his face and hear his lips mouthed 'Thank you', I immediately put my gaze to the ground because I knew my eyes were already glistening with tears. In that moment, I once again remember, when we helping people, we actually he...

Tonight, I did something I never do for a long time. And surprisingly it feels good. So good till the point I proud of myself. Not because 'I won' in that debate, but because I stood for what I believe in. Instead of let things slide, like I always do lately (in order to avoid further problems), I stared him right in his eyes, and said my part. What I want to say. And now when I replay the image in my head, I feel more peaceful. Because when I face him, I smiled. Yes, I am. The emotional Fitria was smile during a debate. When I trace further to the past, I always want to win, especially in debate. I won't stop till they admit they're wrong, or admitted I was right. Either way, I won. It made me believe that I'm smart and unconsciously, allows arrogance seeping in my heart. Astagfirullah. And tonight, one thing for sure. I didn't intend to debate, moreover to win. I just want to knock some sense to a senior nurse that think he can teach us one thing in one day...

Alhamdulillah, so far only one who remember and one person was indicated too. But I'm beyond happy. This is one of the nest birthday ever. I spent it half day in hospital and a half day with BSMI Bali's big family. Without realize it, I got my price. Three jilbab and one wonderful ukhuwah. And yes, Rudje's son/brother also born this day. Terimakasih, alhamdulillah for everything.

When was the last time I hug someone? I mean, not a farewell or chitchat hug. But a comforting hug. When I can let go all of desperate feeling inside my heart, when I cling to them like my life depend on it. I just think that I need one now. There's was a time when I hugged Kartika, when she told me about his sister. And in the beach when I hugged Puji, when she breakdown because of her death fiancee. The last time when I hugged Anwaf's mother, the day he passed away. When was the last time people hugged me? There's many times when I caught at emotional chat over bbm with Janah , Mbak Vie, or Mak Tiri. And I wish they will appear before me, so I can lean to their shoulder. Wait, what kind of reason that triggered this? The truth is, I re-watch Natsume again. And I'm very jealous with the little fox that hugged Natsume freely. With tears too. Childish right? I know. That's why I'm write this down. To let the feeling leave my system and let it alive on my wa...

That's exactly her words, not me. And she said it with a bright smile and sparkling eyes. Like if I know it everything will be alright.  How can I deny it? Maybe I have a bad side but I'm not that cruel. After all, almost all romance novels and dramas make up their conflicts because of uncertainty of 'I like you' confession. I don't know, but I want to laugh out loud that time. But I still had my manners. So I stifled my laugh and smiled instead. Funny thing about feeling, it can change as soon as you change your clothes. And it's not something I can holding on to. Promise are made to be broken, they said. And there's even no promise. So, what to mourn? If I think feeling stuff are funny, we human are more funnier. We holding on it and let it affects our life constantly. Like last night, I don't know but when I read 'Wait me to come home' phrase, I feel an urgency to cry. For a moment, loneliness hit me abruptly. Like I have no one. Even I was ...

Letting go. I think I've mastered this skill long ago. But who I am kidding? I just deluded myself. I'm far away from it. Instead I'm holding grudges for a long time, for myself and some people. It's weird because sometimes I knew something off in my life when I'm reflecting it in some romance story or some people's life. Believe it or not. But I'm really eating words. Like the others bookworm. Lately, everything I read become like serendipity. And it's too beautiful to be coincidence. After all, there's nothing like coincidental in Islam. Everything has it own time. I prefer to believe that's a way Allah want to communicate with me. By words. Because He know very well how words can affect me. They're very powerful till the point that I can starting over everything. My rule, my emotions, my minds. Like yesterday, when a chapter in 'Bleak' was updated. It's about grudges. And I realized that I've been holding grudges too. At...

"Sluuurpp.." Alhamdulillah. Tidak ada kata lain yang bisa aku ucapkan. Betapa nikmat menyeruput es kelapa muda ketika perutku sudah kenyang dengan aneka hidangan laut yang masya Allah sungguh menggugah selera. Ada sate, sup, pepes, sambal matah, plecing, kedantuk. Sebagian mirip seperti masakan khas Lombok. Belum mulai makanpun air liur sudah membanjir. Ditambah lagi makannya bersama orang-orang yang insya Allah saling mencintai karena Allah. Dalam benakku, hanya terngiang satu kalimat, 'Maka nikmat Rabb-mu manakah yang engkau dustakan?' Denpasar, 23/5/2015, 21:15 Aku

Marry Your Daughter By: Brian McKnight Sir, I'm a bit nervous 'Bout being here today Still not real sure what I'm going to say So bare with me please If I take up too much of your time, See in this box is a ring for your oldest She's my everything and all that I know is It would be such a relief if I knew that we were on the same side Very soon I'm hoping that I... Can marry your daughter And make her my wife I want her to be the only girl that I love for the rest of my life And give her the best of me 'till the day that I die, yeah I'm gonna marry your princess And make her my queen She'll be the most beautiful bride that I've ever seen Can't wait to smile When she walks down the aisle On the arm of her father On the day that I marry your daughter She's been hear every step Since the day that we met (I'm scared to death to think of what would happen if she ever left) So don't you ever worry about me ever treat...

Out of time, I feel blue. Don't know but I have no spirit to crack a smile after night shift over this morning. There is a patient crying for help, instead of try to relieve her pain I just continue to fix her intravenous line.  What kind of nurse I am? But for Allah's sake it's a malignant tumor's pain. What can I do? When morfin only eased it a little. It tears me apart. The fact that this patient is a Sasaknese doesn't help either. How can I continue to be nurse without feeling resentful of can't help them every single time? Ah, this profession full of regretful. I never thought that being a nurse is very tough. They teach us in college to feel empathy toward patients instead of feel sympathy. For it will blurred our objection. But they didn't teach us how! How can I feel not sympathy? They're human just like me. I even didn't dare to look them in the eye if I did some mistakes, like didn't pull the blood specimen properly. How can I feel no...

Apathetic. That single word perfectly described my condition for this past weeks. I'm out of the world, especially in social media. Dunno but I had no interest to join in, unlike before. Yes I have these curiosity about what happens around the world but I barely can stand scrolling over Facebook for more than ten minutes. Twitter? No, not interest. Instagram? Bored. Hence with the other. I only read few articles on Pinterest and write notes here in Blogger, and its my only outlet to pouring anything, besides BBM. Rabb, I barely write something on BBM too. And there is Wattpad, my guilty pleasure. But I'm only a reader there. Lately I've been thinking. Some of my post is purely want to share, science, good words, motivation. But most of them mean to gain someone or more, attentions. Astagfirullah, shame on me. Yeah, I realized that yesterday. When I want to post something like 'It's the tenth times people mistook me as a nutritionist. And just because I'm thin....

Lately, I've been drowning myself in books. Or novels, exactly. Most of them are romances, but they were discarded once I finished it. I only keep few of them, I usually reread them if the hopeless romantic soul of me is taking control. Which is uncounted times, sadly. But the truth is the most precious of my collection is called 5:48 and Falling Colors. I hold them deep in my heart. I adore the authors, more than JK. Rowling. Hoho.. not that I love her that much. Almost all of them is about depression, or deep emotions. Not that easy going type. Because there always a reason behind every single action. Even the unimportant one. Which I believe, for every person is different and according to them, it's the right thing to do. Or ironically, the best thing they can do, even it's far from right. I don't know but I always want to know what others people think, especially the hurt one. I simply think that they're different, and somehow beautiful. Their way of mind, oft...