Pengagum Langit

I search, I search, and I search. A tiny little bit of jealousy, or hatred, but I can't find it. Not that I want to feel it. But maybe, I don't want to find it. Or maybe I've found it, but like always me, I ignored it. Pretending to didn't feel anything. And that's the question. Am I have a heart to feel anything? Moreover, grow some feeling on it?

Talk about sweetness. When I went there, and saw Bapak's face, I knew something. He loves me enough as his own daughter. Although I feel a little bit disappointed because he ignored me, don't even look me in the eyes but I understand why. He doesn't want me to get hurt. Or he think so. Well I did feel hurt, but not because of what will happen, but because what was happened, but I'm healed. Totally and properly. And I wish Bapak and Inaq feel the same too. We will always be their daughter and son, whatever happens. Back into some weeks before, when Inaq Tuan call me. She said something hilarious. And I laughed, laughed, and laughed. In that time, I feel Inaq Tuan as a best-friend-who'll-always-have-my back. She said something every girl need hear when they broken heart. Even I'm not one, I still very grateful for it. And say 'Aamiin' for every good thing she wish me for. Like Bapak, maybe she took it into different direction. But I don't feel need ...

By now I believe tears are come by pairs. Since your eyes are two, why need to save it? Tears are mean to be drops, not stifled. Yeah maybe there are times when a single tear drops in your cheek, but sooner or later, it definitely will come back, with many more. Lately, I've been cried a lot. Whenever I feel I'm on edge of tears, I let it flow. I'm no longer being ashamed to cry. It's just feel right to do. More important, mostly I did it by myself. In front of my Lord. And the feeling is incredibly soothing. Yes I still feel weak or sad, but I feel reassured too. Because I put my trust in Allah. Who else can be more listening and understanding than Him? Like this morning, when I gave small amount of money for the street singer. Then I saw his face and hear his lips mouthed 'Thank you', I immediately put my gaze to the ground because I knew my eyes were already glistening with tears. In that moment, I once again remember, when we helping people, we actually he...

Tonight, I did something I never do for a long time. And surprisingly it feels good. So good till the point I proud of myself. Not because 'I won' in that debate, but because I stood for what I believe in. Instead of let things slide, like I always do lately (in order to avoid further problems), I stared him right in his eyes, and said my part. What I want to say. And now when I replay the image in my head, I feel more peaceful. Because when I face him, I smiled. Yes, I am. The emotional Fitria was smile during a debate. When I trace further to the past, I always want to win, especially in debate. I won't stop till they admit they're wrong, or admitted I was right. Either way, I won. It made me believe that I'm smart and unconsciously, allows arrogance seeping in my heart. Astagfirullah. And tonight, one thing for sure. I didn't intend to debate, moreover to win. I just want to knock some sense to a senior nurse that think he can teach us one thing in one day...