Pengagum Langit

Siang ini di atas motor.. Tikungan agak tajam ke kanan tampak 50 meter di depanku. Tangan kiri sedia memegang rem. Tangan kanan yang sedari tadi konsen menarik gas mengendur dan berganti menarik rem. Lalu membawa stang motor sedikit membelok ke arah kanan. Tikungan terlewati dengan mulus. Semua dilakukan dengan spontan. Like they said, if you do something for years, you get pretty good at it. Or in my case, used to it. Because I'm not sure I'm a good or lousy rider. Sometimes it feels like the first but not rarely I feel the second. Aku melakukannya sebelum memikirkannya. Semua diatur otak di alam bawah sadar. Lalu ketika mobil dari arah berlawanan menyalip dan melewati kami dengan terpaut jarak sekian puluh senti saja, jantungku langsung seperti ingin meloncat dari rongganya. Bahkan jantungku bukan milikku sendiri. Ia bekerja mengikuti ritme tubuh. Sesuai dengan kebutuhan. Aku tak bisa mendiktenya untuk berdetak 85 kali saja. Ia memiliki mekanisme tersendiri. Pun paru-paru...

I got a dream last night. A dream that can make a smile unconsciously appears in my face. Silly me. It was that kind of dream. A dream when you finally met your Prince charming. And I'll proudly say that it wasn't a sappy one. But the very me one. In my dream, I met some people. One of them is a man that I can make a conversation animatedly. He always gave me first priority yet I didn't think it was something special. Till his sister (played by my dear lil-sis in Singaraja) told me. Said 'I don't if you're a an idiot or really ignorant. But my brother has show you all kind of sign. Yet you can't grasped it.' Then she tsked-tsked and gave me that teasing smile. So the re-remember begins. Each of our encounters replayed in my mind. The accidentally stolen times, the great talk, the sweet help. And I saw it. Really saw it: the look in his eyes. The look that flickered many emotions without says anything. And I understand it very well. But he doesn'...

I thought I've completely and utterly let it go. But the heartache said otherwise. Although it was just like a clenched pain for few seconds, it was there. Real and livid. And after few attempts to calm myself, I can release my breath that I never know I'm holding on. I finally admitted that he hurt me tremendously. Not in a way most people thought, but in a way more deeper. Lost a lover, you can mask in with hate. Discard it like a band-aid, fast and painless. But lost a friend? Not a mere friend, but your best friend. How can I mask it? How to discard the feeling? Because I'm not only lost him, but lost a family. Our relationship never like before. It got strained. The warm has decreased gradually. Now, I must think before contact one of them. Do I need it? Will they get bothered by my call? And when I hear the good news, I can help but feel happy too. There's an envy, a strong one but thanks God there's no jealousy. Yeah, he have something I've been dream...