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The Past

I thought I've completely and utterly let it go.

But the heartache said otherwise. Although it was just like a clenched pain for few seconds, it was there. Real and livid. And after few attempts to calm myself, I can release my breath that I never know I'm holding on.

I finally admitted that he hurt me tremendously. Not in a way most people thought, but in a way more deeper. Lost a lover, you can mask in with hate. Discard it like a band-aid, fast and painless. But lost a friend? Not a mere friend, but your best friend. How can I mask it? How to discard the feeling?

Because I'm not only lost him, but lost a family. Our relationship never like before. It got strained. The warm has decreased gradually. Now, I must think before contact one of them. Do I need it? Will they get bothered by my call?

And when I hear the good news, I can help but feel happy too. There's an envy, a strong one but thanks God there's no jealousy. Yeah, he have something I've been dreaming for a long time. Why wouldn't I? I'm just a human after all.

But as evil as I am, I always hope he can mend things with his family. Or maybe it has happened. Aamiin. The best thing is, I no longer force my wish that things between us will be miraculously back like before. It will not perfect anymore, but it's okay. I knew someday we will meet in a zillion times better than today. And I'll look forward for it.

So right now, I must satisfied with nurturing my emotions in line. Wish the best for him and his family. And do my best to not dwelling in a negative vibe.

The past will always there. I can't wipe it for it's a part of my life. The proof of my existence. Not to mention it gave a great lesson. For now I can face the same problem with a cool head. If you past the storm alive, why worry with a small rain?

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