Pengagum Langit

"Mbak Fitri bisa tidur dengan kasur kayak gini?" Tanya Usi suatu sore. Sambil melirik kasurku yang tipis, tepatnya menipis, dengan pegas dan busa yang sudah keluar disana sini, belum lagi warna yang sudah tak menyisakan warna aslinya. Kasur lungsuran dari Meme untuk ku pakai tidur di Denpasar. Sejujurnya, tak pernah sebelum ini aku berpikir untuk mengganti barang-barang di kos. Aku selalu berpikir bahwa aku di Denpasar hanya untuk sementara. Jadi buat apa repot-repot membeli banyak barang jika pada akhirnya tak akan terpakai? Yang terpenting sebenarnya, aku merasa cukup dengan semuanya. Tak ada yang harus ditambah. Perasaan cukup ini mulai goyah ketika Allah memberikan kelebihan rezeki di rekeningku. Rezeki yang dititipkan lewat tangan Mamiq. Kemudian menguat setelah aku merasakan kamar yang nyaman di Bangli. Aku sebenarnya boleh kan menikmati hal yang lebih baik? Kasur yang empuk, lemari yang luas, kipas angin, rak buku. Tapi rekruitmen KNRP dan kepergian Pak Yudha, yang ...

This morning, my faraway uncle called again. With same intention and bitterness. He even cried on the phone. I pity him, really. But sometimes I hate it when my protagonist aunt cried because of his harsh words. Yes, she have a debt in him. But it's not right to demand it in hard way. And like a bucket of ice poured on my head, I jerked awake. Out of pity, I often ask myself why my uncle must have that kind of wife. But now I can see it clearly, they are so alike. Unfortunately, it's in rude words and narrow-minded department. I rarely despite someone. But once I do, it's nearly impossible for me to change my mind about them. Who on their right mind blame other person for his own broke? After they have agreement to join a business. It's seem that I'm on my aunt's side in this case. Why wouldn't I? She has every quality for me to fight for. She's not perfect. Far from it. But she is my role model in patient and faithful wife. With that kind of husband, s...

Funny to think how two person who can't barely stand in other present can handle a civil conversation over a instant message. Ah, the power of screen. It hurt myself at first when lovely person can be so cruel in social media. Meanwhile, some person are just too good to be true. How can it be? Did most of people really bipolar? Well, if that's question backfired to me, I think the answer is yes. Sometimes, we are a different person when we're in the public and alone in our place. We have this personality that we have people get used to, or want to believe we are, yet we hide so many secrets from them. Indeed, Allah has planted seed of good and bad in our heart. It's up to us to choose what seed we want to nurse till they become a firm tree. Peace for them who nursery the good, and misery for them who nursery the bad. And why I'm writing about this again? I need to know that I'm still have a chance to fix anything, anything that make me one less step from gro...

Few days ago, since I started practice critical nurse in ICU, unconsciously I started formulating few questions too. What if I be one of ICU patients? What will I do? Will I let them nursing me just like the way they do in other patients? Can I sleep at night? How many books I'll read till I released? How to pray? Then I remember my conversation with patient's family last week. "She still unconscious. We have extubated her and didn't put any sedation on her. We just wait her to wake up on her own." "And exactly how many times till her wake up?" He ask me worryingly. "I don't know. We can't give you an exact time. It's up to her." I said. Yeah, we can't promise anything to patients or their family. I learn it in hard way. But I think, if I were the patient, after all I've been through: get in motorcycle's crash, had my body threw about fives meters ahead, then collided with a tree. Soon after that went to heavy medi...

Actually, it's 38,6 Celsius, a measurement of my body temperature yesterday noon. Yes, I was febrile. After an acute episode of rhinitis at the morning, an exhausted morning in Burn Unit, and the cold temperature in there, my body gave up. It was close to hypotermia. I think I'll be better if I take a nap with socks on and light blanket. But no, the temperature did in increased but it didn't stop on a normal track. In increased, increased, and increased till Me Dijah need to give me warm compress again and again. She looks so worry and I feel really sorry for her. I didn't mean to get sick, but here I am. Shaking and lightheaded. With lost of appetite, runny nose, and pale face. Even Bli Dewa can tell because my voice was quivering during phone call. My point is yes, my lovely aunt is right, I definitely sick. Even it took me long enough to admit it. She even fuming when I said I'll go on duty in Mandala. Said I need rest because I absolutely exhausted and not to fo...

"Sebenarne masalahne non side Pieq. Makat de ngene laloq nane? Padahal laeq pas SMA mokoh de. Makat nane sampe tulang pipi masuk? Epe jaq masalahde?" Pertanyaan Mr. One Pack alias Lalu Kesuwu terus terang cukup membuatku tertegun. Tak pernah ada yang sefrontal itu langsung bertanya pertanyaan yang aku sendiri masih menduga jawabannya. But again, he is Kesuwu. My best friend since we are teenagers. Sebebas aku ngolok dia, sebebas itu pula dia mengungkapkan bahan pikirannya tentangku. Tapi bukan aku jika tak bisa menjawab, dan dalam hal ini mengelak. "Kalaupun ada masalah, tiang ga akan bilang." Mungkin aku keliru, tapi sekelebat ada pancaran kecewa di matanya. Atau mungkin itu keterkejutan. Entahlah, itu hanya sekejap dan langsung berganti dengan sinar mata yang penuh senyum seperti biasa. Dan dia langsung pamit karena ku usir, literally. Ampure meton, dengan lamanya persahabatan kita mestinya side tahu tiang bukan tipe pencerita masalah pribadi. I'll be gla...

Night duty on ICU Sanglah Public Hospital. I feel that turbulence, again. The second when I doubting my decision to be a nurse. Can I do this without screw up? The answer is absolutely no. It's a nature in my field work that we-me and other team-will screw up, and to make it worse, it cost life. Our patient's life. Sadly, we can't stop to be a health practitioners. Can we? And will Allah forgive us for harmed other's life? But it never been our intention to. On the contrary, we want to save them. But the truth is, too many things to remember and consider, yet too little time that we have. Because sometimes it's life we talk here, not some sore throat disease. So, the consequences is we try, try, and try. Gambling with every chances we have. Even it's slim. Do it and any chances patients will die, or don't do anything and patient will die sooner. Sometimes it's brings dignity.At least we have do our best. Sounds lame, I know. But what it was the best rea...

Back and forth. Black and white. Light and dark. Love and hate. Everything has it own pair. Even The Quran stated that fact 1400 years ago. It's something I can't debate, and I won't waste my time either to do that. But there's one thing that leaves me confused. Do we need to choose? And to make it more unfair, the options only consist two different thing. And somehow, the existence of one thing will force the other thing vanish. Like if we turn on the light, the darkness will fade. It give us nothing to choose. We just accepted it. But how about love and hate? If I can't love something, do I need to grow hate against it? And If I want to hate something, did it means that I must erase all traces of love I left before? Can't I love and hate something at the same time? For all I know, I can't control my feelings. My emotions yes, but not things that live in my heart. It never work, to switch one feeling to other like blinking eyes. Like Imam Syafii said,...

"Ibu tinggal dimana?" tanyaku pada kenalan baru di Liqo Jama'i, Bu Imah. "Saya di Sanur." jawabnya. "Waaaah, jauh yaa Bu ke Monang-Maning." Komenku. "Ah enggak. Saya ga pernah menganggap jauh. Kalau saya anggap begitu nanti jadi berat. Masih di sekitar Denpasar juga." Deg! Kalimat Bu Imah langsung menohok dalam hati. Beliau pantang mengeluh. Karena mengeluh hanya akan memperkeruh masalah dan membuat segalanya terasa berkali-kali lebih berat. Benarlah, segala sesuatu sebenarnya hanyalah masalah persepsi. Jadi malu, aku yang baru pulang-pergi Denpasar-Tabanan aja sudah merasa begitu capek. Tapi apa iya? Nggg, sebenarnya nggak juga sih. Masalah terbesar sebenarnya bukan jarak, tapi aku yang kebanyakan mengantuk di jalan. Pekerjaan yang bahayanya sangat besar. Dan aku 'percaya' semuanya terjadi karena jarak yang jauh. Padahal dalam hati aku tahu tak begitu. Aku sudah biasa bawa motor ke tempat yang jauh. I'm fine. Hanya saja, mo...

For the twentieth times (of course I didn't really counted it), he came again. And still with same symptoms. Mr. Gloomy, male, 24 years old, came to RSM Mandala because of cephalgia, feel febrile, and some flu and cough right here and there. He suffers from prolonged insomnia too. So why I called him Mr. Gloomy? He has this aura, when he came the air suddenly feel heavy, I'll feel there is something stuck in my throat, it's feel like happiness are sucked into the earth. Okay, I exaggerated. And no, I'm not talking about Dementor either. It's just, I don't know. He has this gloomy face, and never in our encounters I saw him smile. He always frown, and his shoulder will hung loosely, like a soldier that just defeated in a great war. There's minimal eye contact too, his eyes remain dull, and I can't figured out any emotions that reflects there. Not that I'll mind that part. But as all of this appearance keep repeating, I start feel irritated. I underst...

Sore itu, menepati janji dengan Mak Tiri a.k.a dr. Rini Trisnowati, aku berangkat menuju lokasi Denpasar Festival 7. Biasanya aku akan mengambil jalur Hasanudin-Setiabudi-Gajah Mada, salah satu pintu masuk ada disana. Tetapi bukannya belok kiri di perempatan Diponegoro, aku belok kanan menuju Jalan Udayana. Niatnya biar nggak kena macetnya Gajah Mada, tapi malah langsung disambut nyemutnya manusia. Butuh 10 menit untuk lewat jalan yang normalnya kurang dari semenit. Parkir pun semrawut, Pak Pol sampai marah-marah. 'Padahal baru hari pertama,' pikirku. Atau jangan-jangan memang karena hari pertama? Setelah berjuang mencari spot parkir, akhirnya aku memutuskan parkir di depan sebuah mobil. Mepet, dan menutup beberapa motor di depanku. Menegok kanan kiri, situasinya tak jauh lebih baik. Mengingatkan diri kalau aku hanya akan satu jam disini, aku menegakan hati. Ku lirik jam di hape, 17.06 wita. Telat 6 menit dari janji. Belum lagi aku harus mencari Mak Tiri di antara lautan manu...

Beep..beep..beep.. Two days, or eighteen hours precisely, I've been spending my time in ICU. Practicing for critical nursing. And I'm already used with that noises. Noises that come from monitor that attached to different parts of patient's body. Usually it's the chest, but it could be the abdomen too. Every monitor has it own rhythm according to patient's conditions. There's a dialogue in Sherlock Season 1: The Great Game about noises that left me dumbstruck. Sherlock: What's that noises? Moriarty: It's a sounds of life Sherlock. But I can fix it soon. Yeah, sometimes noises do mean sounds of life. Imagine ICU without noises. It will be very amiss. And leave us with only two options, either there's nothing patient in there or the patient is dead. A little bit creepy isn't? That noises indicated you're alive or dead. Well, imagine this. Someone who really noisy, blurted everything in his/her mind, often irritated you because they are a ...

Yeah, you hear it right. I'm fall in love in Tabanan the second I saw the statues and green little cliff at both sides of the road. The feeling grew stronger as I passed by the city. I even not start with Me Par's house, at BTN Jambe. The clean and green streets, the lovely weather, the fresh water, the perfect room at upstairs, and finally the host, Me Par and family. I'm falling fast, and I can't help it. I just can't. Tabanan, especially BTN Jambe, reminded me with Narmada. A place that hold a big part of my heart. The one close to Tabanan is Bedugul, only it lack of family's love back there. What about Denpasar. Hmmm.. I think I'll write later about it. Last night, I'm not sure with the time (but I think it was past midnight), I woke up. And instantly pull the curtain only to realize that I'm not in Tabanan anymore. Disappointed washed over me. Strange isn't? Two weeks can make a place really feel like home. And you adore it deeply. That ...