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Buat siapa?

Night duty on ICU Sanglah Public Hospital. I feel that turbulence, again. The second when I doubting my decision to be a nurse. Can I do this without screw up? The answer is absolutely no. It's a nature in my field work that we-me and other team-will screw up, and to make it worse, it cost life. Our patient's life. Sadly, we can't stop to be a health practitioners. Can we?

And will Allah forgive us for harmed other's life? But it never been our intention to. On the contrary, we want to save them. But the truth is, too many things to remember and consider, yet too little time that we have. Because sometimes it's life we talk here, not some sore throat disease. So, the consequences is we try, try, and try. Gambling with every chances we have. Even it's slim. Do it and any chances patients will die, or don't do anything and patient will die sooner. Sometimes it's brings dignity.At least we have do our best. Sounds lame, I know. But what it was the best reason I can find to stop the guilty feeling that can eat me alive every time I lost a patient. Because hospital is a very complicated place. I won't believe it if I never experienced it at the first hand .I start to accept that fact when I lost one of my patient because of Ventilator Associated Pneumonia. He came here because of motorcycle's accident. After through a laparatomy surgery, an episode of tachycardia and febrile, he dead three days later.

Can I do this with lack of skill? Yes. I've been convicted that skill will come handy with time and experience. That practice makes perfect. I've finished blaming myself, call myself stupid for my clumsiness, and stop throwing some self esteem shattering sentences. Alhamdulillah Allah guide me to think wise, I can get everything in one step. Do it once step at time, and the skill and science will engraved in my brain.

Can I do this with lots of complain and sinister comments from my colleagues? After all, this is the most shocking turbulence. I try to deaf my ear and shut my brain so I can't process all negative thing through to my heart. But sometimes I can't help it. Yeah, I'm on journey, I'm still learning, but did they need to (always) be mean? Will everything get better once I become one with them? Not a student anymore? For all I know, I need a big heart to contain it. To survive and not be broken. Because up to my like or not, I'm the weird one who eat word very well.

Next question, can I do this for patients? Yes, of course. It never about them. Patients, whatever emotions they had, it was bearable. Because they're in pain. And the worst things do happens when we're under stress. Not everyone can sabr at the first strike. And it nurse's job to help them through it. Even it's just a very simple thing like holding they hand when they're in pain, soothing they fear when they're going under some procedures, help them to eat, console their family. It's was nice feeling to know that you can always help people, every single day, and the best part is that you do that while you just do your job.

And finally, can I do it for the sake of Allah? Yes, absolutely yes. My job as a nurse including help people, in every single thing we do. It full of good deeds especially if I set my intention to gain Allah's love, through my jobs. It's like killing two birds with one stone. I got work, at the same time I got plenty reward if my intention is pure. For this one, I knew I can fighting. And I will fighting. Allah, bless me and make my step easy to gain knowledge. Aamiin.

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