Pengagum Langit

Today supposed to be practise before the inauguration day. I thought it'll only as simple as that, but surprised! There are our lectures and some speech from the 5th President of Indonesia, Ms. Megawati Soekarnoputri. Am I excited? Nope. And it was understandable. I never fancy her before. Yeah merely saw her on television, but it didn't leave a good impression in me. But I gave it a shoot, maybe I can change my mind about her, sparks some adoration. Like I did with Mr. Made Mangku Pastika. Boy, I did my best to stay with her all the time. But I can't help it. My eyelids became heavier minutes by minutes and my right hand constantly cover my yawn. I'm sure get some sleep during the speech. Yeah, I got some glimpses into her mind about leadership and nation. It was great. But recently she remind me of Soimah. When Soimah is snobby because of act, she did it too, to fish a laughter. But what the point to do that over and over again? Not to mention she speaks about the c...

It's 38 hours to the inauguration day, I have no kebaya to wear yet, and here I am don't bother to feel slightly excited or panic, at least. Dunno, many people will kill to have my place, they said. Fine, maybe I'm exaggerated, as usual. But yeah, if my parents wont come here I probably forget the day, like I did with my duty nowadays. Two days, exactly. Seriously, this only twice times in almost for years I work in RSM to forget about my duty. Okay, back to the matter in hand, inauguration. It's a ceremonial when a student graduates from college. An important one. Where almost all of us dresses nicely, even overdressed. I want to dress nicely, but still show who I am. Because I never been an extravagant person. The simplest, the best for me. For clothes, I'm do thinking over if I must buy some, but for other things, nope.

Seandainya aku tak berada di ruangan putih tempat kursi kayu panjang yang penuh diduduki pasien, atau tak mendengar suara Mas Anam mengaji, air mataku akan jatuh membaca statusnya. Status seorang junior yang masya Allah shalihahnya selalu membuatku diam-diam merasa tertampar. Statusnya selalu bermakna dan mengingatkan, dan dia tak malu akan hal itu. Status tentang kebahagiaan orang tuanya. Tak sekali dua ia memaparkan kebahagiaan keluarganya, membuatku turut tersenyum. Namun kali ini entah mengapa, status yang sama membuatku tertohok pada waktu yang seharusnya tidak terjadi. Dan aku menyalahkan diri atas hal itu. Mungkin kita tak pantas bahagia karena tak pernah meminta pada Allah hal tersebut. Mungkin aku hanya meminta hal-hal untuk diriku sendiri, yang itupun dalam waktu yang sedikit. Seperti keshalihahan dan usaha juniorku yang berbanding lurus dengan kebahagiaan keluarganya, demikian pula aku. Sampai disini aku sadar jarang sekali membagikan kebahagiaan, apalagi kesedihan keluar...

Buliran airmata tak tertahan mengalir deras di pipiku. Ku biarkan jatuh tanpa jeda. Berharap ia tak hanya terhenti disana, namun terus mengalir hingga membasahi hatiku yang gersang. Hati yang tadinya ku percayai sebagai tanah yang subur. Gembur tanpa perlu ku taburkan pupuk sintetis. Hati sebagai ladangku belajar. Menanam satu persatu benih baik yang ku kumpulkan dari sekitarku. Harapanku akan bisa memanennya suatu waktu. Mungkin bukan panen raya. Tetapi buahnya akan bisa ku petik jika ku butuhkan. Ku temukan jika ku cari, buah apapun itu karena aku menanam segala. Meskipun belum ku atur dengan baik. Belum kuatur, itu kata kerjanya. Merasa tanamanku sudah mulai tumbuh dengan baik, aku manjadi tamak. Semua ku tanam, tanpa ku pilih dengan standar yang baik. Yang penting, tanah yang masih kosong tak akan menganggur. Tetapi aku tak rajin menyiangi rumput-rumput liar disana. Sehingga yang terjadi, tanamanku tumbuh bersaing dengan rumput liar yang semakin lama semakin kuat. Tumbuh besar da...

The title was an event present by Forum Lingkar Pena, a reguler once in two weeks event which I'm dying to attend since a month ago. Qadarullah, I finally made it tonight. And I'm far from disappointed. In fact, I'm really glad that I'm coming. It was a special event, because FLP invite a special guest, his name is Brili Agung. They said he have wrote 17 books and own three office, all related to publishing book. As if doesn't impressive enought, he also quite attractive, smart, and single. Hahaha.. I wish I could giggle or at least sighed dreamy or all ladylike gestures, but no. Is it so not me. Yeah, although I admit I need to lower my gaze entirely the event but hey, I'm still a normal girl. Uhuks.. Enough about the appearance. But he really opened my mind. And pulled out one of my deepest dream. To write my own books. He made it sounds really simple. But was it? I don't know. I never tried. But even it only happened in your mind? Why it can't be r...

I need to get closure, ask questions to him face by face, so I will have my answers, then I can close the book, forever. I must resign from RSM, find a new place to work, so I can finally leave my comfort zone. I must make choices between this two weeks, so I won't bother anyone position and harming their land of work. My question is, do I really need those all? What if I did it, but in the end I can't get what I think I will get? That's question play in head over and over. Secretly, I know the answer is no. But I can't help to wish, to know what will happen if that the case. But really, who I'm kidding? Who need closure anyway? All I need is move on. And starting right now. Like the little boy said, "So, you will ikhlas let her go? Just like that?" I'm so wish that I could be at least half sure than Andre when he said, "Yes, just like that."

Believe it or not, I'm sick. Again. After recovering from prolong common cold last week, fever beat me again since yesterday. I recall no breakfast on Sunday, lunch at 12.15 pm, and no proper supper. Went out from 6 am and coming home at 6 pm, just rest until 8 pm and went to meeting till 10 pm. I think it can do something with my immune system. And yeah, I'm willingly accepted that I'm sick, not forcing to do anything till I'm sure I can stand on my own feet, literally. And here I am, on duty in Mandala. Somehow feel more hot here and there, but when I took measurement with thermometer, the result sas 36.0 degrees Celsius. Alhamdulillah. One thing I noticed, the itchiness that often occur at night in certain place in my body, has gone. Maybe two or three weeks ago. 'Underlying stress that gotten in your nerves, and successfully invaded you subconscious mind', dr. Mitha said when I consult about it. 'You need to find it, and end it, whatever that problem a...

The word failed me. But maybe it wasn't the word itself. It's me. I'm mad. My blood boiling, fury consumed myself till the point my heart fell it it will burst. I want to scream my frustration. But I can't. I just can't. Wether I must stay as a cool person and swallow my disappointed. Why it's always me that must let go everything? Why people just nonchalantly flaunting their emotions even it will hurt other people? Why? Why? Why? Aren't they fear? The hurt will still there. Pain and hatred. Even hurting is tiring. And sometimes, sorry can't miraculously erase it.