Pengagum Langit

"Udah selese Mbak yudisiumnya? Peringkat berapa?" Pertanyaan ini sangat wajar akan terlontar dari mereka yang mengenalku. Tepatnya, mengenal aku sebelum menginjakkan kaki di Pulau Dewata. Ketika kemudian ku jawab 'Biasa saja' dan dengan nilai yang standar, ku baca raut ketidakpercayaan di wajah Puji. Dan sedikit kekecewaan. Kemudian ia segera menutupinya dan berucap "Alhamdulillah." Namun bukan Puji namanya jika ia selesai dengan satu pertanyaan. Rupanya ia sekarang tertarik membahas persiapan wisuda. "Sudah jahit kebaya Mbak?", tanyanya. "Nggak, nanti pinjem punya teman saja." Kali ini dia tidak repot-repot menyembunyikan keterkejutannya. "Tapi Mbak, ini loh wisuda S.Kep.Ns!" Sergahnya. "Terus?" Aku menahan keinginan untuk memutar bola mata. "Sepertinya Mbak kok nggak ada greget-gregetnya gitu untuk persiapan. Padahal ini loh bersejarah." Dia kemudian menghela napas. Ya, ku akui. Memang tidak ada kei...

Pembagian tugas Subuh ini: Ibuq en Naq Janah nyuci baju, aku, Indi, en Oga ngajakin Adek Dafi jeje. Okay noted! Paginya, dengan terburu kami bertiga diusir (Udah Subuh, nanti ga dapet tempat nyuci di kali, gt kata Ibuq). Jadilah aku, Indi, en Dafi keluar jeje karena Oga masih tidur. Yaa keluar gt aja. Indi mulai kedinginan sementara aku biasa aja. Cuacanya ga terlalu dingin. Dafi? Dia ga bisa ngomong sih jadi aku pikir fine-fine aja. Lagian dia gendut gitu. So pasti aman laaah. Aku juga ga bawa kain panjang apalagi gendongan. Baru jalan 200 meter aja tangan udah berasa pegel. Bayangin aja tu anak beratnya hampir sepuluh kilo. Tapi taq biarin. Ini mah belum apa-apa. Bentar doang, kalo jadi Emak seharian bakal gini. Itung-itung latihan. Uhuks. Well, cut the description! Terlalu banyak poin pelajaran hari ini untuk (belajar) dinarasikan. Jadi aku list aja: 1. Jadi, kalo bawa bayi jeje itu mesti: pakein baju hangat, topi, bawa kain panjang atau gendongan, jangan lama-lama, jangan bawa ...

The word failed me. But maybe it wasn't the word itself. It's me. I'm mad. My blood boiling, fury consumed myself till the point my heart fell it it will burst. I want to scream my frustration. But I can't. I just can't. Wether I must stay as a cool person and swallow my disappointed. Why it's always me that must let go everything? Why people just nonchalantly flaunting their emotions even it will hurt other people? Why? Why? Why? Aren't they fear? The hurt will still there. Pain and hatred. Even hurting is tiring. And sometimes, sorry can't miraculously erase it.

The word failed me. But maybe it wasn't the word itself. It's me. I'm mad. My blood boiling, fury consumed myself till the point my heart fell it it will burst. I want to scream my frustration. But I can't. I just can't. Wether I must stay as a cool person and swallow my disappointed. Why it's always me that must let go everything? Why people just nonchalantly flaunting their emotions even it will hurt other people? Why? Why? Why? Aren't they fear? The hurt will still there. Pain and hatred. Even hurting is tiring. And sometimes, sorry can't miraculously erase it.

Dari awal, sudah terasa ada yang kurang di lingkungan rumah sakit. Ya, kadang aku memang penakut. Sadar diri, atau mungkin lebih jujurnya, rendah diri karena skill yang jauh dari mumpuni. Tetapi hey, siapa yang bisa menguasai hal yang tak pernah dikerjakannya? Mungkin ada satu di antara seribu, dan dalam hal ini, aku masuk dalam kelompok yang 999. My point is, I can change that if I do my best. Everybody does. Tetapi tetap saja, kenyataannya aku selalu kelelahan setiap pulang jaga. Inginnya langsung tidur meski kadang belum makan. Belum lagi baper, jika ada problem dengan pasien. Atau aturan yang tak sesuai. Satu-satunya tempat yang bisa buat senyum setelah pulang jaga itu di ICU, itupun tidak setiap hari. Why? Padahal semua tetap bekerja, sama-sama membantu orang. Tetapi tetap saja. Jawaban itu ku dapatkan ketika mengobrol panjang lebar dengan Bunda Yusi sepulang baksos di Panti Werdha. Tepatnya ketika beliau cerita tidak habis pikir dengan perawat atau dokter yang lempeng-lempeng ...

"Bu, tiang mau ikut pelatihan akupuntur. Biar ada skill lain yang bisa dibawa pulang selain ijasah. Biasanya enam bulan, kalau soal biaya belum tahu." Jelasku di telpon. "Enam bulan?", tanya ibu. "Iya.." Dan hening. Untuk hampir semenit. Aku yang tak tahan kemudian mengalihkan pembicaraan. Sejenak jawaban ibu terdengar kaku, namun ketika topik kembali menyinggung adikku, tawanya terdengar kembali. Selama ini aku selalu menganggap diri sebagai 'anak Mamiq', karena sifat dan pendapat yang hampir sama. Santai dan biarkan hidup mengalir. Tidak seperti ibu yang super sibuk dan mengkhawatirkan segala hal. Tetapi malam ini, aku sadar banyak hal yang ku warisi dari ibu. Salah satunya manajemen kecewa. Layaknya perempuan lain di muka bumi, aku dan ibu suka bicara. Senang berbagi. Cerita yang sama bisa diulang-ulang dengan antusiasme yang tak berkurang. Namun ketika kecewa atau marah, kami berdua akan memilih diam. Diam mencerna semuanya, padahal dalam ...

I Made Mangku Pastika, the Governance of Bali. I only see his face in television, posters, or Baliho. The first time I saw him live in some debate public for the election as an incumbent candidate, versus his own friends, A.A. Puspayoga. The problem is, Mr. Puspayoga didn't show up. So, he was won without even start a battle. But that wasn't the point. For the first time he speaks, I've been in awe. What's is it? Hmmm.. Flamboyant actor. That's the word I chose to described him, though I didn't really sure about the actor part. My uncle said politicians are never mean to be trusted. Because they will do everything for power. That's no way politics is a clean world. It's dirty, full of lies and only make chaos. 'Yeah, everybody is a liars, except a politician!' That's sarcasm remarks came from Chase in House MD series. He think House has lost his sense when he believed what his patient's said. The Politician. I think it obvious that House...

Dear you I wonder when the day we'll finally meet To put a name into face To smile truthfully, you are real Dear you I'm long to have hear you say the vows Then kiss the palm your hand Then say 'Aamiin' to your du'a upon me Dear you I'm ready to start a new beginning To intertwine our way To bridge our differences Dear you I promise to share everything Even it means make me vulnerable Even it'll give you power to crushed my heart Dear you Promise me you'll be patient For one day I'll hurt you accidentally For silence treatment you may receive after heated arguments Dear you There's thousand 'to this, to that' I want to do There's hundred 'why this, why that' I need to ask And I wish you crazy enough to make it come true

Dari pertama melihat covernya, aku sudah tertarik. Wajah tanpa make up dan senyum yang sangat menenangkan, I'm glad to meet her someday. Beberapa kali berputar-putar mencari buku yang lain, aku akhirnya kembali mencarinya. Entahlah, seperti ada magnet uang menarikku. Dan untuk urusan seperti ini, ku percaya pada instingku. Aku tidak akan kecewa, insya Allah. Dan kalimat pembuka ini yang membuatku semakin ingin berteriak 'Eureka!' See? Entahlah, apa memang Miyuki terlalu polos atau memang penerjemah buku ini yang ingin memproyeksikannya seperti itu. Yang jelas buku ini berhasil mengaduk-aduk perasaanku. Aku belum selesai membacanya tetapi dari halaman pertama aku sudah diajak berkaca, ditampar, dibuat malu, diajak menangis, dan digelitik sampai terkekeh. She's really something! Cara menulisnya sangat jujur. Tidak perlu kata-kata mutiara atau skill menulis setinggi langit. Sepertinya dia hanya menuliskan apa yang ada dipikirannya dan boom! Pembaca tersihir dan tak sabar...

I finished 'Avatar's Korra' series tonight. As usual, I feel a bit sad. Because once I finished it, it means I lost a great friends. But I'm happy to make it a new collection, mean I'll watch it again someday. Insya Allah. Watching cartoons maybe still childish in some people. But I love it. I don't know when I will stop. They not just an entertainment for me, for they also bring some metaphors or messages that's seems impossible to apply in real life, but it's not. And that's beautiful. The fact that the character not even real make it more awesome. Because it's mean they won't be change and I won't disappointed to see how they're living their real world :-D Believe it or not, during the season I feel like am reflecting. And learning. I open my eyes, my ear, and my heart from everything. I really want to get better. To go through the process called self-healing. Just stay calm, even in the darkness, you can find the light. Especial...

Years by years I've been spent my life to protect myself from hurt. I do everything I can in order to not experience the same hurt I received years ago. Till the point I gave up in relationships and retreat myself from social gatherings, especially in my village. But lately, it's became generalized, not only my village, I've been shutting down almost everybody from my inner life. Yeah, I socialising with them, but I keep them outside, there nothing good came from letting them in, their will only hurt me. But yesterday, I read some stories. And I've been thinking since. Well, we are vulnerable. In every aspect. Yeah, I can prevent myself getting hurt from one side, but what about the other? I can get hurt, in everything I do. In everytime I spend. In everywhere I go. So, instead of try sterile, I must keep up my immune system. I've heard it before, but I just understand yesterday. Stress is tricky. They can came from nothing, and sadly, can affect everything. They...