Pengagum Langit

Memalukan. That word described our presentation-me and my emergency team- perfectly. It totally give out how uncoordinated our team are. Not only we're stuttered when answers the question from lecturers, but the answer was also imperfect. And to make everything worse, my oh-so-diligent moderator stated that fact in front of everyone. Deep in my heart I knew we deserved it. But it wasn't professional, really. Not every single person in that room could handle harsh comments. Bluntly yes, but harsh? I don't think so. In that room, I realized that I've became soft. No, soft wasn't even a right word. Weak, yeah that's true. When I am still in first semester, and about to practice for the first time in hospital, I can't sleep that night. I keep tossing in my bed and overthinking that so many skills I'm not capable of, and how if I made mistakes that will cost my patient's life? Okay, that's a bits exaggerated. Nurses in hospital won't give junio...

Tonight my Facebook finally decided to let me take a look. Instead of loading forever, it gave me some updates about my friends. Some people still the same, when few of them still amazes me, with their word n world. And some photos caught my attention. Like my friend and his girlfriend. It maybe a mainstream photo, but I saw something that automatically form smile in my lips, I saw love is his eyes, then his girlfriend blushed. And deep in my heart I know he deserved it, really. He is a good man, only keep have a crush on a wrong person. And now that he found the one for him, I feel happy for him. Happy for other's happiness is really a nice feeling. I'm done with envy and jealous things. If either hate and love drains our energy, I better choose to spend it in right way right? And truth to be told, instead of follow envy and jealousy that will lead to hate, I chose to pray for them, to increase their happiness. They said, I'll feel my heart blossom with Allah's love...

"Ngapain tertarik sama dia, penyakitan gitu.." I don't know I'm so bothered with that statement, even though I knew what the reason behind it. I am understand that women, as ridiculous as it feel, sometimes say everything that indeed a vice versa with what our heart tell. But I can't accept the rudeness in that statement. Me and her, of all people should now that 'penyakitan' or anything similar with that is not acceptable in our field work. And 'penyakitan' is not a wild card to go to heaven sooner than the health one. Because anytime, life can leave our body. Don't need a big blows, or massive accidents. A small clot of blood or fat stuck in a right place, a little cut in the artery, few cc of poison, a fast allergic reaction, without a right and proper treatment, can send us above instantly. What a fragile thing we are! Like Nyanko-sensei said 'Human's life will end fast. So fast that it's scary.' Yeah, who wouldn't?...

Beautiful. That's word immediately struck in my head when I see him. A ten or eleven years old boy that accompanies his father to E.R this morning. His father just have a mild heart attack, with no history of any illness before. He was alone. And when the doctor told him his father condition, he was cried. Not a cry that ending in hiccup, but cry when single tears sliding on your chin. And when he pray, I stunned. He is a Christian. But when he intertwined his hands in front of his chest and closed his eyes, then silently pray, I found a new description about beautiful. Don't get me wrong, but someone who pray always looks beautiful in my eyes. It doesn't matter what religion they are. But when we pray, we lost our arrogance. Simply let it slide to The Greatest One. That we are nothing compared to His mercy. When all the efforts just fall in a thick wall, and nothing we can do to change it. When pray we are surrendering. To our weaknesses, to realization that our life are...

"Hati-hati di jalan Nduk.." I don't know why this small sentence that came from Pak Samin make my lips automatically form a little smile. Smile that reached my eyes, and warm my heart. It just made my day in a weird way. Even I am nobody, there is always somebody that will notice me, and care for me. I feel unusually happy this evening, and if start going hyper, I begin to analyze that there is something, and usually something bad will come. Why I must need a reason to be happy? Am I not worthy enough? Ugh, screw my overloads brain! I ask Nurul, 'How was your life?'. And I just remembered I ask the same question to you-know-who. Not something I feel proud of, especially when I remember stupid assumptions I made after read the answers. Oh forget it, I'm rambling again. But hey, that question somehow backfired to me. Make me questioning myself about my life. So, how was life Fitria? I'll be liar if I say it's great. Its not good, but I know I can do...

Ada sesuatu tentang upstairs, anak tangga, atau berada di ketinggian yang membuat pikiranku melayang jauh. Meliuk-liuk melewati tikungan memori, dan melesat jauh ke masa depan, memunculkan mimpi-mimpi yang hanya terkubur di dalam anganku. Dan malam, dengan lampu-lampu serta suara kendaraan yang perlahan menghilang di kejauhan. Ada suatu perasaan yang tergugah. And I can't put my finger on it. Was it yearning? Missing? What? All I know is, there is a big hole in my heart. I don't if that a bad news or not, but if it is a bad news, how on earth I didn't cry? For all we knows, that's the best thing I can do to relieve all these unknown feelings. The truth is, I need to change something. And not for anybody, just for me, myself. I got really tired to the world, but I have no options except to live it. I must kill my addiction, before everything too messed up. And before I kill my own soul. Dying before dead. But how can I kill it, for anything my addiction is an happily...