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Getting soft?

Memalukan.

That word described our presentation-me and my emergency team- perfectly. It totally give out how uncoordinated our team are. Not only we're stuttered when answers the question from lecturers, but the answer was also imperfect. And to make everything worse, my oh-so-diligent moderator stated that fact in front of everyone.

Deep in my heart I knew we deserved it. But it wasn't professional, really. Not every single person in that room could handle harsh comments. Bluntly yes, but harsh? I don't think so.

In that room, I realized that I've became soft. No, soft wasn't even a right word. Weak, yeah that's true. When I am still in first semester, and about to practice for the first time in hospital, I can't sleep that night. I keep tossing in my bed and overthinking that so many skills I'm not capable of, and how if I made mistakes that will cost my patient's life? Okay, that's a bits exaggerated. Nurses in hospital won't give junior students tasks that they can't perform, especially the invasive one. But back at that time, fear that consummate my heart makes me frantically prepare. So I read, read, and read.

And today, I'm still that overthinking student. But I'm no longer feel the need to prepare. The truth is, I feel numb. Instead of busy reading, I drowning myself in self pity. How on earth everybody could do it easyly, while I myself must struggle first? Even the easiest task, like starting an iv line. So many things to study, yet so little time that I have. Or I think I have. In fact, everybody has exactly a same amount of time everyday. But some of them doing they best to fulfill they dream while most of them lay down in the sofa, doing nothing but dreaming. Fortunately, I've been the largest group member for months. I have so many dreams, yet I never makes attempt to pursue them. To tired to start. I've fall seven times, and only get up fives times. What a coward!

Mustika said she believed that someday I could be a lecturer. Puji too, and many more. Why with these people and they high expectations of me? Do I really have that qualification and I'm too blind to see that?
I don't know. And I hate don't knowing. And I'm afraid, if someday I can't fulfill that expectations. But what will I believe then? That's my life has destined to be a failure or? What a great way to self destruction Fitria.

A little hope won't hurt, a bitter accusation will. They said, 'Be nice to yourself. It's hard to find happiness if somebody means at you all the time.'

I must get my courage, and passion to move my lazy ass from that comfort sofa. I have eight more months to go, and I must be more than a qualified nurse by the end of my program. Lack of skill is acceptable, but not with science. I must be that frantically student once more. So I'll bury myself between my books (books, not romance novel) and Qur'an. I'll try to leave them. Everything that won't help me in study and hereafter.

Wish I strong enough.

Bismillah, fighting!

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