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Granted

Few days ago, since I started practice critical nurse in ICU, unconsciously I started formulating few questions too.

What if I be one of ICU patients? What will I do? Will I let them nursing me just like the way they do in other patients? Can I sleep at night? How many books I'll read till I released? How to pray?

Then I remember my conversation with patient's family last week.
"She still unconscious. We have extubated her and didn't put any sedation on her. We just wait her to wake up on her own."
"And exactly how many times till her wake up?" He ask me worryingly.
"I don't know. We can't give you an exact time. It's up to her." I said.

Yeah, we can't promise anything to patients or their family. I learn it in hard way. But I think, if I were the patient, after all I've been through: get in motorcycle's crash, had my body threw about fives meters ahead, then collided with a tree. Soon after that went to heavy medications and have my skull opened to evacuate the clot that damaged my brain, I think I would need some break. Especially if I took some bitter things about the world. Yeah, I think a deep slumber will be a nice escape.

Did I just do something similar to that for these last two days? I think the answer is yes. Sadly how Allah has granted my wish. I wish I could escape from the world, my little world that consists of duty, paperwork, and sleeping when I could. Yet He give me sick. Alhamdulillah not in a severe way, it just febrile. But it was enough to incapacitate me. For mentally and physically, I feel drained.

Funny thing, for all months I've been pray for other things yet He granted the one on my unconscious mind. Not that I mind it. It was Allah's right after all, and I can't do anything about it. Any-thing. Because His time always punctual. Never late, or too early. Yet I often doubt it. Stupid me. If  can't get anything, it's mean that I'm no ready yet. And I can't force Allah to give it happily. Nor I can get it by be a bad girl. Like I did these past months. I knew it will be a long journey. And don't always have a shoulder to cry on, but I always have a ground to sujuud on.

Rabbi, give me sabr.. A sobrun jamiil..

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