Out of time, I feel blue. Don't know but I have no spirit to crack a smile after night shift over this morning. There is a patient crying for help, instead of try to relieve her pain I just continue to fix her intravenous line. What kind of nurse I am? But for Allah's sake it's a malignant tumor's pain. What can I do? When morfin only eased it a little. It tears me apart. The fact that this patient is a Sasaknese doesn't help either.
How can I continue to be nurse without feeling resentful of can't help them every single time? Ah, this profession full of regretful. I never thought that being a nurse is very tough. They teach us in college to feel empathy toward patients instead of feel sympathy. For it will blurred our objection. But they didn't teach us how!
How can I feel not sympathy? They're human just like me. I even didn't dare to look them in the eye if I did some mistakes, like didn't pull the blood specimen properly. How can I feel nothing if I poured my heart in everything I do? I do it to help them, in a way I help myself to be a better person in front of My Lord.
One thing I know for sure, I don't want to work at hospital like Sanglah Public Hospital. Not only just because the mountains of paperwork, but also for too much thing to false for. The paperwork just one of them. Nurses there spending half time of the duty to chart something they didn't do. Blast it, some of them didn't even know the patient was transferred to other ward. Meanwhile, most of the implementations they do is medical area, not nursing area.
A realization hit me this morning when I help a patient's daughter changed her father's diaper. That it did matter to me to have skill in nursing task, some cool procedures like BGA puncture or inserted IV line. But helping the patients with some little things like assisting their ADLs is something worth to do.
Yeah, it's gross. And yuck, the smells is really make stomach hurled. Soils, vomits, sputum, urine, blood. If we truly realize that our body just a vessel of disgusting liquid, there's nothing remain to prideful of. When we are a child, our parents cleans us patiently, for thousands times. Maybe it's still cute when the baby do, but as the time goes fly, the cute little baby will be an adult and have babies on their on, and twenty years later, the adults will grow old. If they're sick and do something like baby, it no longer cute. But it's disgusting. How can it be? For it's a same product. Call me hopeless, but I know the answer is love. Parent's love is unlimited, unlike the sons or daughters.
Salute to my patient's daughter. He clean up his father with love. No trace of disgusting and words of regrets. She know, it's time to payback. Even there was no way we can ever payback everything that our parent have done to us.
Until that point, I'm proud to be a nurse. Even our implementations not the coolest, but it's something that provide them comfortable feeling, and moreover, made them feel respected and loved. Because every patient need it, as much as they need physical treatment.
I finally understand why textbook said that nursing come from maternal instinct. Because the nurses always want the best for their patient, just like moms do with their child.
And for now I pray that I can be a truly nurse, that always do the best for her patients, and never seek for other's attention. Just do our job, proudly and beneficiary.
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