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Finally

Finally, I gathered courage to tell Mamiq about my problem. Actually the last straw I need was some statements from RSM's crew. Clearly I've been delusional all the time. But rather than blaming myself to hell I accepted the fact calmly. That I am just a human, and human made mistakes. Even they've tried their best to avoid it.

Today I feel relief. Like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. A big rock no longer press my heart. My breathe become easier, and I can see everything with positive vibe. That's something like sobbing myself till my nose clogged, my breath hollow, and my voice hoarse did to you. I was called Janah that noon, but she didn't pick up. And I'm grateful she didn't. I thought to call Mbak Vie too. But with my conditions last night, I'll only leave them a bunch of worries. And I thought words would failed me either.

Like I was said, crying sometimes made me saw a tiny pieces that can made up my mind. So did last night. While I'm crying, I realized that my problem was not the people who want me let them in. It was me. It always me. I'm too scary to let them in till the point I did many reckless things. And sometimes it hurt them and drift them away. I understand how I can do something stupid yet disgusting in order to cover my cowardice feeling. I have a low self-esteem. And it drives me to depression, believe it or not.

My emotional scars still there. Maybe not bleeding anymore, but I knew they don't healed properly, yet. The pain remains because rather that face it I pushed them to the back of my mind, it only surfaced if I let myself to feel it. I know need help. But I can afford to go to therapist and I don't thing it's the thing I really need right now. No one will understand me like My Rabb do. No one. And I'm happy that way. At least Allah made me realized what exactly the problem that lies inside myself. And finally admit it. My next goal is to fight it. But for now, I feel contented with knew the problem first. I'll take baby steps.

Last night, when I'm emptied my heart. I found two faces that I missed the most. To my relief they are not faces that I admired, or like Nouman Ali Khan said, infatuation with. Not my parent too, because I never want them to see me in last night state. It will give them nightmares. Again, the last thing that I need. They are Janah and Mbak Vie. Yeah we are separated by islands and oceans but I knew I can always count on them. And I'll do the same for them. The odd thing is, I'm sure they feel the same way like I do, that I missed them to the moon. I hope I can be with them, anywhere will do. As long as they're there to hug me. They don't need to do anything. Just stay beside me.

Like Anna that chose Elsa than Kristoff, I chose them than I don't know who. For now, all I know they're my truly love. Besides my family. And to know that I'm not alone, is a blissful feeling. Truly it is.

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