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Apathetic

Apathetic. That single word perfectly described my condition for this past weeks. I'm out of the world, especially in social media. Dunno but I had no interest to join in, unlike before. Yes I have these curiosity about what happens around the world but I barely can stand scrolling over Facebook for more than ten minutes. Twitter? No, not interest. Instagram? Bored. Hence with the other. I only read few articles on Pinterest and write notes here in Blogger, and its my only outlet to pouring anything, besides BBM. Rabb, I barely write something on BBM too. And there is Wattpad, my guilty pleasure. But I'm only a reader there.

Lately I've been thinking. Some of my post is purely want to share, science, good words, motivation. But most of them mean to gain someone or more, attentions. Astagfirullah, shame on me. Yeah, I realized that yesterday. When I want to post something like 'It's the tenth times people mistook me as a nutritionist. And just because I'm thin." Funny yet stab me right in the heart. I don't know when I can be used to people call me thin. It hurts really. Maybe they just want to joke or show their sympathy but somehow it makes me remember that I'm a failure. In that time I have few names in my mind to tag on, but I can't help to think about other names too. So I endured it.

I feel tired of my mind. I always think that social media was invented to fullfil human egos. Moreover, the narcissistic and mighty one. So they can boast every time about everything. Although only few people will pay attention to it. I never deny the benefits of it. Masya Allah, how can dakwah spreads without following these technologies nowadays? I'm just sad because unconsciously I've been part of that narcissistic people. And I want to reduce it. More than before.

Like everything I want to start over in my life, I must renew my intention too. To take everything to akhirah. I just want to minimize whining in that socmed. Yeah I'm a bitter person but no need to show it off to the world. After all Allah hate someone how always tell about his/her misfortune.

We human really eating words well. Just some words can made someone day, otherwise can destroy them, completely. Like yesterday. A woman, family of a patient greeting me with "Subhanallah, cantiknya Mbak." If there's one more thing I can't used to, it's a praise. I can't handle praises well. Like that woman, I only answer it with smile. No thanks, no alhamdulillah. Clumsy me. But I'll be a liar if I say that I'm not happy to hear such a nice word. In fact, it really made my day. Before I met someone who once again, nicely reminded me about my thinness. Maybe it's all I need. A surprisingly praise. Not to fullfil my ego, but to boost my confidence. It was on zero point before.

Yeah, I've been received a lot of praises. But hear it from strangers, somehow make it more believable. Not that my closest person are a liar. But hear it from them, it's like something normal to do. With minimum effect of surprises. Like it was their obligations to praise me. I know, maybe I'm overthinking, again. But what can I do, this is me afterall. The geeky one.

And now, I have one goal. To measure my words, so I can make more people happy, and prevent myself to hurt them, simultaneously.

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