Skip to main content

Labeling

Letting go. I think I've mastered this skill long ago. But who I am kidding? I just deluded myself. I'm far away from it. Instead I'm holding grudges for a long time, for myself and some people.

It's weird because sometimes I knew something off in my life when I'm reflecting it in some romance story or some people's life. Believe it or not. But I'm really eating words. Like the others bookworm. Lately, everything I read become like serendipity. And it's too beautiful to be coincidence. After all, there's nothing like coincidental in Islam. Everything has it own time. I prefer to believe that's a way Allah want to communicate with me. By words. Because He know very well how words can affect me.

They're very powerful till the point that I can starting over everything. My rule, my emotions, my minds.

Like yesterday, when a chapter in 'Bleak' was updated. It's about grudges. And I realized that I've been holding grudges too. At night, I decided to once again, forgive everybody, especially him. Because I don't know how this journey will end, at least released my grudges will lift a big burden from my heart and my shoulder. With that thought, I fall asleep.

And this noon, I'm very grateful for it. I met with Mak Tiri. I knew she knew something. But she knew me, so never ever she push me to share anything. But I need to tell her. A secret for a secret, a fair trade isn't it? We talk and talk. She tell me what happened, and I tell her what my feeling, something I can't tell Bunda Novi before.

At first, I don't know what to feel. Did I feel betrayed? Used? A second choice? You name it. But I ignore it. Instead I cracked joke because I know I was on verge of tears. But I won't break. Not in front of her. She has worry me enough. No need to add the drama.

On my way home, instead of feeling down I feel very grateful. Because Allah has opened my eyes. Yeah, I've een blindsided before. By my imagination, my needs, and my infatuation. I feel dirty and regretful. But once again, I'm not an angel. We all made mistakes. And only the clever one who can learn from their mistakes. I wish I'm the one too.

Yeah, I was cried. No need to deny it. But it was more like grateful tears than a broken heart tears. I'm thankful because I know what I need and I'll ask Allah always. Because He is The One, who Loves me The Most. He'll never let me down and always make sure I'll get the best. The rest is up to me, whether I can believe and learn to sabr, or take the wrong way.

Like Mindy that finally letting go and stop labelling herself be a rejected one. I'll move on to. With my hope and my live.

I know this process not even close to end, but whatever the results is. I think I can manage. Maybe it's to early to say I have a cold feet. Call it women's gut or anything, I just feel that I can't continue. But maybe it just a leftover from my grudges. Whatever, I feel happy. Because I believe there is someone for me even I don't know who he is. Moreover, this belief came from my faith, not from blur expectations and some possibilities. And because I have Allah. It's one of the best feeling ever. Alhamdulillah.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Anggun: Ibu

Aku suka dangdut? Ngggg.. kayaknya nggak hard to believe banget. Apalagi karena aku juga suka lagu-lagu India. Lagu yang ku suka variatif, nggak terbatas di genre tertentu atau satu penyanyi. Yg penting ngena di hati. Dan malam ini, entahlah aku mesti senang atau sedih. Aku hampir menangis menyaksikan penampilan finalis DA3 dari Bima, Anggun. Mungkin karena mengetahui kisahnya sebagai TKI dan hanya pernah bertemu beberapa kali dengan anaknya. Mungkin karena di dekatku ada ibuq, dan membayangkan lagu itu adalah ungkapan hati ibuq dan ibu-ibu lainnya di seluruh dunia. Ditambah lagi aku belum bisa berbuat banyak untuknya. Atau mungkin, sekali lagi mungkin. Ini yang dikatakan: apa yang dilakukan dengan hati, akan sampai ke hati. Apalagi ketika baitnya sampai pada 'Kau adalah simbol kesempurnaan dariku yang tak sempurna'. Tuhan, sampai disini aku merinding. Betapa besar anugerah dan kenikmatan menjadi seorang ibu. Sesuatu yang kerapkali ku impikan. Tapi aku sadar, mungkin Allah ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Reflex

Siang ini di atas motor.. Tikungan agak tajam ke kanan tampak 50 meter di depanku. Tangan kiri sedia memegang rem. Tangan kanan yang sedari tadi konsen menarik gas mengendur dan berganti menarik rem. Lalu membawa stang motor sedikit membelok ke arah kanan. Tikungan terlewati dengan mulus. Semua dilakukan dengan spontan. Like they said, if you do something for years, you get pretty good at it. Or in my case, used to it. Because I'm not sure I'm a good or lousy rider. Sometimes it feels like the first but not rarely I feel the second. Aku melakukannya sebelum memikirkannya. Semua diatur otak di alam bawah sadar. Lalu ketika mobil dari arah berlawanan menyalip dan melewati kami dengan terpaut jarak sekian puluh senti saja, jantungku langsung seperti ingin meloncat dari rongganya. Bahkan jantungku bukan milikku sendiri. Ia bekerja mengikuti ritme tubuh. Sesuai dengan kebutuhan. Aku tak bisa mendiktenya untuk berdetak 85 kali saja. Ia memiliki mekanisme tersendiri. Pun paru-paru...
Post a Comment
Read more

Malin Kundang

"Dimana itu Nak?" Pertanyaan protokoler akhirnya keluar di ujung sana. I almost roll my eyes if it wasn't for the answer itself. What was this place called again? My brain went blank. In panic state I running in storange room names my brain, rummaging for some memory. Nope, nada. Fortunately, there's last source of knowledge standing there. I turn to her and ask. "Dimana namanya ini lenga?" My, my. The look on her face is priceless. Just like I ask her where is my keys when its dangling in my bag. I I can't help but broke into laugh. "Ya Allah lenga beneran side lupa?! Karang Sukun." Cue for the stern-looking-mom-expression. It was so understatement. I was lived in that area for almost one year yet it's name easily slipped from my mind. I was never intended to comeback to my old landlord yet Cg's landlord came 500 kilometers across sea to attend her wedding. Yep, I can totally see the picture here. Not only that time Cg must huffing ...
Post a Comment
Read more