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Pillow talk

I was restless last night. Sleep came late. Maybe because I did again that disgusting thing and I feel fear and resent myself. Or maybe play smartphone all the day finally took it's tool. I know. Another unproductive day. I already believe I'm a fool. No need further proof.

Even with Cempi's purr and playing murottal it was still hard. I just roll back, left then right. The sound of rusting blanket made Cempi restless too. He refused to left my arm. Put his head there. Higher and more. Till I felt my right arm numb.

That's when I start to hear them. My parent. Seems like they can't sleep too. I can't saw them clearly thanks to the semi closed door. But I imagine they do it while lied on the floor. Head to head in one pillow.

They talk about many things. As many as emotions that came into me. Of course it's mostly about me. Honestly, I feel like I'm intruded their privacy. It was not supposed to be hear right? Especially by me.

Their hope, their wish, their need. So many things yet so little I can manage and made it came true.

My already down mood crash down to the bottom. Allah's know how I want to hear more but I came to drowsiness for couples minutes. I just hear their pray so I can have a righteous husband.

I want to cry.

Because without I realized I envy them. How I long to have something like them. Talking about nothing but means everything.

But I only can hope. And pray and pray and pray. And striving to be a better person. For them, for me, for Allah.

Rabbighfirli wa liwalidayya..

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